#ContactForm1 { display: none ! important; }

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

101 Things to Do With a Degree in Marine Biology

When I headed off for college my plans involved getting my doctorate before I turned 28, diving with sharks, and saving the ocean. My plans derailed a little. I found a college graduate with a husband and a daughter and no intention of going back for my masters in three months.

I wanted the year off. And the year became several. And family keep asking what will I do with this expensive, and useless, degree. I've tried the standard fob-offs: I help at the school, I taught science at Cub Scout day camp, I organize science fairs for the neighborhood children, and I use my biology notes for my science fiction writing.

All mostly true. But the handiest skill by far is dissections.

I dissect things. Like this innocent looking teddy bear. A gift from a well-meaning friend who thought that since I attend church on Sundays what I really needed was a teddy bear that says prayers. It's one of those prayers that includes the line, "If I die..." and you can't remove or replace the battery.

We all know what happens from there. The teddy bear starts praying. Then prayers turn to growls. Then the bear stops talking. Then it starts talking at random. And, within a week, you have a bear that suddenly wakes up in the middle of the night growling "die, die, die" and making the baby cry.

If I'd taken theology in school I might have tried for an exorcism. A dissection seemed so much simpler. A little slice along the bear's rear end, a brief moment spent rummaging in the stuffing, and voice box was extracted.

I stitched the bear up all the while thinking that I ought to send my old lab partner, the one who insisted our biology victims look the same after the dissection as when we started, thanking her for teaching me how to do tiny stitches.

Now the Baby Boy is happy. His cute bear doesn't wake in the middle of the night screaming, "die, die, die" and with some luck he won't even need therapy. See! I put that degree to good use!

For future reference, my dissection kit is still pristine. It sits in a pale blue box on top of the fridge just waiting for me to admit that I miss school enough to survive the registration paperwork.

Don't Forget! If you haven't entered to win the Amazon Gift Card yet you can do that HERE. The drawing is on Friday!


  1. BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Wasn't there a talking Elmo doll that accidentally said "kill"? I'd take a scalpel to that thing any day.

    My daughter is a fool for sea creatures. Future marine biologist? I'll start letting her dissect things to be sure...

  2. "Die, die, die" from a praying bear? OMG...I know it wasn't funny to your baby, but that kind of cracked me up this morning. Great job on the dissection/stitch up - I'm sure the silence is far better.

    So when are we going to see a paranormal about an angel bear on a killing spree? ;-)

  3. Life may not take us where we originally wanted to be, but the end result is usually very enjoyable.

    The bear was funny! Good work.

  4. CKHB- I would totally believe it. Those Elmo dolls were creepy!

    Jamie - A paranormal short about a serial killer who is really and angel teddy bear? I could see that happening. Very Chucky Meets the Gremlins.

    Yuna - Life is good. It's crazy, but at least I'm still laughing. :o)

  5. P.S. Puppy Dog seems to think the bear is still evil. I just caught him trying to eat the bear. *inserts glare at the dog*

    The voice box is still on the sewing table. Next to a hammer. Just in case.


  6. Talking stuffed animals are generally creepy to begin with. You did the right thing - and in a very humourous way, I might add. ;)

  7. You obviously have done the
    right thing with your degree.
    Sounds like you have got the
    right stuff to go any where.

    I am a new visitor, Thanks
    for the nice post. Just peeping.


  8. Reminds me of the old usenet group alt.barney.die.die.die

    You've got to use that bear in a tale though, superb.

  9. Jean - I'm not sure who came up with talking stuffed animals. They aren't fun to cuddle. And they always make kids cry. Bad planning on someone's part.

    Yvonne- Thanks for stopping by! Feel free to come over any time :o)

    James - I need to find a reason for a crazed teddy bear... Hmmm. Now you have my thinking. *goes to plot*

  10. OMG I am CRACKING up here! You nailed those voice teddy bears and what happens to them...ROTF

  11. Oh how funny, that is so true. We had a little duck that became quite evil. :0) I also recall stepping on a doll in the middle of the night that said, "Mommy, mommy hahahaha" I almost died right there!


    That would freak me out too. Fingers crossed he's too young to remember this incident. Then he for sure won't need therapy.