101 Things to Do With a Degree in Marine Biology

When I headed off for college my plans involved getting my doctorate before I turned 28, diving with sharks, and saving the ocean. My plans derailed a little. I found a college graduate with a husband and a daughter and no intention of going back for my masters in three months.

I wanted the year off. And the year became several. And family keep asking what will I do with this expensive, and useless, degree. I've tried the standard fob-offs: I help at the school, I taught science at Cub Scout day camp, I organize science fairs for the neighborhood children, and I use my biology notes for my science fiction writing.

All mostly true. But the handiest skill by far is dissections.

I dissect things. Like this innocent looking teddy bear. A gift from a well-meaning friend who thought that since I attend church on Sundays what I really needed was a teddy bear that says prayers. It's one of those prayers that includes the line, "If I die..." and you can't remove or replace the battery.

We all know what happens from there. The teddy bear starts praying. Then prayers turn to growls. Then the bear stops talking. Then it starts talking at random. And, within a week, you have a bear that suddenly wakes up in the middle of the night growling "die, die, die" and making the baby cry.

If I'd taken theology in school I might have tried for an exorcism. A dissection seemed so much simpler. A little slice along the bear's rear end, a brief moment spent rummaging in the stuffing, and voice box was extracted.

I stitched the bear up all the while thinking that I ought to send my old lab partner, the one who insisted our biology victims look the same after the dissection as when we started, thanking her for teaching me how to do tiny stitches.


Now the Baby Boy is happy. His cute bear doesn't wake in the middle of the night screaming, "die, die, die" and with some luck he won't even need therapy. See! I put that degree to good use!

For future reference, my dissection kit is still pristine. It sits in a pale blue box on top of the fridge just waiting for me to admit that I miss school enough to survive the registration paperwork.


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