This week's post is from the opening chapters of DUNGEON CRAWL: THE FALL and continues last week's post.
Fourteen breathes, that was how long transcendence took. She’d counted fourteen breathes since she was a child. And now, she counted again.
Twelve.
Sari closed her eyes. If I open them again what will I see?
Eleven.
Ten. Will I die before I transcend this mortal frame?
Her breath sped up.
Nine. Eight. Seven. Six.
The goddess whispered peace to her, promises of eternal comfort.
Five.
She looked back over the war. Once the transcendence was complete her part here would be over. Annu Godeye stood on the ramparts watching Sari fall. Her face was twisted with anger. Poor Annu.
Four.
The great berserker watched her fall as well, his face a portrait of anguish. He was cheated of his toy.
Three.
The demons blow gibbered in delight. Sari smiled, thrilling in the knowledge that she would cheat them too. Her blood would not fill their tongues.
Two.
Pain.
Sari gasped and screamed.
So. Much. Pain.
A fun little technique to draw the reader in. Enjoyed it!
ReplyDeleteTranscendence sounds like it hurts.
ReplyDeleteFalling out of favor with your capricious goddess at the last minute hurts. Transcendence feels pretty good. :)
DeleteI like this countdown approach. Makes me want to yell, "Blast off!" at the end.
ReplyDeleteWow! That is seriously intense! Well done! I so want to read more!
ReplyDeleteOoh... Never count down! No good can ever come of it! :)
ReplyDeleteWise words.
Deletelove it. One minute you are smiling with her and then you are grimacing for her! well done!
ReplyDeleteUh-ohhh. Something tells me she had a transcending malfunction... Great snippet!!!
ReplyDeleteGreat snippet. Had a poetic rhythm to it and flowed well. Cliffhanger endings are the best.
ReplyDeleteNot to nitpick, well okay I am, but shouldn't that be breaths?
ReplyDeleteI like the countdown as opposed to the count up. Makes it stand out more.
Probably, this is the rough draft. I wrote it during NaNo one year and promptly shelved it at the end of the month. :P
DeleteLike Patrick, I enjoyed the countdown. It was ominous and oddly methodical for someone's last moments and that made it all the more tragic. I love her satisfaction of cheating the enemy her death.
ReplyDeleteLike Patrick, I enjoyed the countdown. It was ominous and oddly methodical for someone's last moments and that made it all the more tragic. I love her satisfaction of cheating the enemy her death.
ReplyDeleteQuestion is, should transcendence hurt? Did she get interrupted?
ReplyDeleteShe got interrupted. There's a little more next week. :)
DeleteOh, that can't be good.
ReplyDeleteThat depends entirely on what you define as "good". What happens after is... the majority of the book actually. :)
DeleteMmm, darlin' I think you timed your fall wrong.
ReplyDeleteConsider me intrigued. I want to find out what happens after the screaming stops.
That's for next week. :o)
DeleteBeing abandoned by your goddess at the last instant is going to hurt! Clearly in more ways than one. :(
ReplyDeleteOuch, seems falling out of favour with your goddess is beyond painful!
ReplyDeleteGave. Me. Chills!
ReplyDeleteAnd then you pulled it away just before the last breath, you tease.
:)
I like the countdown.
ReplyDelete