Liana Brooks Query- Edited by Guest Blogger

Today we have a guest blogger who has kindly volunteered to read queries, shred, and rewrite.

Mary, do you mind going for round 2?

Liana Brook's Query:

A thousand years ago everyone knew the world was flat. Five hundred years ago everyone knew monsters existed. Ten years ago everyone knew that was a myth. Tomorrow, everyone will find out how wrong they were…. If your manuscript has nothing to do with a thousand years ago or five hundred years ago, why mention it? This is your chance to hook the agent/publisher. Don't get me wrong, it's a good hook... but the world being flat a thousand years ago isn't telling us about your story.

Demands of Justice, complete at 85,000 words, is the first novel of a projected series that explores the universe eight hundred years in the future in a galaxy where vampires and werewolves knock shoulders with cyborgs and space explorers. This paragraph is great - kudos... but it's in the wrong place. Move it down so it's the last paragraph, and it'll be perfect. Oh, and you need to mention your audience when you move it too. Adult sci-fi lovers? It's obviously not for children if it's 85,000 words, but could be a YA...

Felinium enforcer Ice Rus knows what a bad day is like. As a homicide detective he’s seen the worst sides of the human race. Cliched! When drug addicts attack Ice and he leaves them in the hospital Ice’s boss decides he needs some time away from the violence. Okay, something is wrong with this sentence because I didn't understand it...at all... I think you have a couple extra words and need a comma or two to make it readable. Ice is moved to the vice squad, given the belongings of an overdose victim, and told to find the next of kin. Third paragraph is where you do a mini-synopsis. Take these three sentences and combine them with the next few.

What Ice finds is a rumpled letter with his name on it. But before he can guess what the victim was writing him about comma Ice is sent to Elysium, an ocean-world controlled by shape shifters, to escort a scientist home Sounds like a run-on, but bear with me and I'll try to fix it in the sample rewrite. The scientist is waiting, but so are three new bodies. And another cryptic note telling Ice that another body is waiting for him. You've said "another" twice in one sentence... Hmm. I think you're going a bit too far into the story here. Save that for the one page synopsis you might, and probably will, be asked for. Yes, you should mention the notes, but no you should not tell us all about the notes here.

A simple hunt for a killer sets Ice in the middle of a werewolf war for dominance, one man’s bid for genocide, and the Imperial ambitions of a calculating Empress. This is good to add into your mini synopsis. Missing: author bio.

Sample Rewrite: Dear (agent/publisher); (Your 1-2 sentence hook goes here)

Felinium enforcer, Ice Rus, knows what a crumby day is like. As a homicide detective, he's seen the worst sides of the human race. When drug addicts attack Ice, his boss decides he needs a vacation from all the violence. Ice is moved to the vice squad, given the belongings of an overdose victim, and told to find the next of kin. A cryptic letter from a victim with his name on it ends up in Ice's hands, but before he can guess what the letter is trying to say, he is sent to an ocean-world controlled by shape shifters. His mission - to escort a scientist home. The scientist and three new bodies wait for him.

(Author bio goes here: writing credits and experiences)

Complete at 85,000 words, Demands of Justice is the first novel of a projected series that explores the universe eight hundred year into the future where vampires and werewolves knock shoulders with cyborgs and space explorers.

This novel is geared for adults with a science-fiction passion. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
(full name)
(email)
(phone number best for contact)