Harlots, Hustlers, and More!

 How many of you know Krista D. Ball? She's an amazing author who writes very fun field guides for other authors (along with assorted fiction of course). These aren't the typical How To Write A Book books, these are well researched, in depth looks at things you never stopped to think about.

Like, what did Aragorn eat while he was chasing the hobbits to Isengard?

Or, how many layers of clothing would a Regency harlot wear?

Off hand, I don't know the answer. I doubt you know the answer. But Krista knows the answer. In fact she's famous for her historically accurate feasts (read her Twitter feed - it gets gruesome).

Krista's steampunk and regency guide HUSTLERS, HARLOTS, AND HEROES is out now. And for this week only, WHAT KINGS ATE AND WIZARDS DRANK, a fantasy lover's guide to food, is on sale for 99cents.

If you are an .epub or PDF reader you can buy the Amazon book and Krista will send you the correct file format when you email her the receipt. kristadball @ gmail

Excerpt from WHAT KINGS ATE AND WIZARDS DRANK

Fast Food

Early Roman streets were lined with food kiosks. Most Plebeian apartments didn’t have kitchens and cooking facilities, so the population relied heavily on street vendors. Sausages or cooked meats covered in garum (a fish entrails sauce) could be purchased from vendors while going about one’s business.[i] Over two thousand years later, Victorian factory workers had access to over three hundred food vendors along their routes to work.

Steampunk heroines would stop at a kiosk for a mug of coffee, tea, or chocolate, drinking it there before handing the cup back (can you imagine how dirty some of those mugs might have been!). The beverage might only cost them a penny, far cheaper than the cost of coal to get their stoves going in the morning, assuming they even possessed a stove in their apartment.

After downing a hot beverage—welcomed on a cold January morning—our heroine could pick up a slice of currant cake for half a penny (if she could afford it, she’d pick up another for later in the day). Or, perhaps she’d want a boiled egg, too, which would cost another penny.[ii]

A miner or a fisherman working away from home all day might bring a meat pocket with him to keep him going. These are like the ones recommended in Chapter 1 where a cooked packet of food would keep a hero going throughout the day. Don’t buy from a stingy stall; the hero needs to eat! Make sure those pockets are filled with lard, bacon, bone marrow, chopped kidneys, and egg yolks.[iii] A kitchen sink is too heavy to include, but everything else is fair game.

This is an excerpt from Krista D. Ball’s What Kings Ate and Wizards Drank. C 2012, published by Tyche Books.

---

[i] Dargie, Richard. (2005). Rich and Poor in Ancient Rome. London, UK: Smart Apple Media, p. 13

[ii] Broomfield, Andrea Food and Cooking in Victorian England. Westpost, CT: Praeger Publishers, 2007. p 25, 26

[iii] Hazlitt, W. Carew. (1902). Old Cookery Books and Ancient Cuisine. London, p. 111

Put Some Tit In It - A NSFW Post

Really, is there anything boobs can't solve?

The mammary gland evolved on female mammals to provide nourishment for our young. In humans this is called Breastfeeding or Nursing and is the easiest way to provide young humans (aka Infants, Babies, Parasitic Minions, Cuddly Bugs, ect) with food. Some people find this very offensive, see the sources HERE and HERE for the debate.

It's easy for people to get confused because human females have long known that the secondary function of the boob is to Fix Everything!

Screaming baby? Put a tit in that mouth?

Fussy husband? Shake the tits and see him stare.

Political problem? Withhold titty touching until things go your way.

Book won't sell? More titty!!! Boobs sell!

Heck, Fifty Shades of Fanfiction just got a movie deal. Why? Boobs! Sex! More sex!!! Edward on the East Coast!!!

No wonder repressive governments worldwide are trying to radically infringe on the natural rights of women. Every female you see is toting around two super weapons capable of not just feeding nations, but bringing the political process to a screeching halt because boys can't think when in the presence of boobs.

Seriously, it's like owning my own set of death rays under a tight shirt, but I try not to brag...

I'm worried that I didn't think of this before. I should have remembered that Sex Sells and added more titties to EVEN VILLAINS FALL IN LOVE. Do you think it's too late to get a gratuitous picture from Playboy posted in the middle of the e-book? Is that something they could add during the formatting stage?

Because I left the sex out of EVFIL. I mean, there's some, it's just not written in graphic detail. I figure that anyone reading my book is past the point where they need an Insert Tab A Into Slot B how-to manual for sex. If you do need that than send me an email and I'll recommend a few books away from the blog. MeeMaw might stop by and she's going to give me a heart attack if she starts describing sexual positions again.

See, sex doesn't always equal romance. If it did, sex and rape wouldn't be used as weapons of war or terrorism (and they are). Is sex were always romantic we wouldn't ever need a phrase like, "It's a dress, not a yes."

There's more to romance than just sex, and hopefully I've captured that romance for EVFIL.

But, if not, Nil Desporandum, even erotica writers don't always get it right.


That's right, erotica writers get in trouble for having too much sex in their books! Obviously they had too much sex and not enough titty. Boobs solve everything.

My final proof is book covers with man, and then with boobs... which do you like better?

*Note* Some of you will be reading this in a bad mood, late at night, or under the influence of Real Life. I apologize. I love you all. Laugh, it won't kill you. - :o)

Images by order of use: WikiCommons user Maksim, breastfeeding meme, the twitter feed of @kristadb1 (proceed with caution and a healthy dose of humor)

Does your Mountie want a poutine? or, Cultural Flavour in Literature - a guest post by Krista D. Ball

Most of last summer was spent writing my now-released novella, Spirits Rising. A goodly chunk of that writing time was spent asking Liana questions on Twitter. Do you know what a toque is? How about poutine? What about a Mountie?

Spirits Rising is set in Newfoundland, an isolated island off the coast of Canada. It's the youngest Canadian province, having joined in 1949. We don't even speak "regular" English. We have a very distinct accent. Don't believe me? Go watch this:



No, they aren't exaggerating. Yes, I talk like that. Well, more to the point I used to talk like that and still do when I go back home or get drunk/angry/get on the phone with my mom.

Ok, done watching? Great.

The culture of Newfoundland is different. Not urban vs rural, Canadian vs American different. I'm talking aliens vs Earth different. I wanted to capture that in the novella without overwhelming people. I grew up eating cod tongues, cod cheeks, caribou, moose, salt cod, lobster, and salt pickled beef. We don't drive on state highways. We drive on the TransCanada - even though an ocean separates us. We fly Air Canada. How on earth could I write a story where I'd have to explain everything?

There is a fair bit of pressure as a non-American write to Americanize fiction. There is a famous review on Amazon where the reviewer complains about British characters in a novel. And yet, I wanted to write the story in my home province, where icebergs and whales pass us by and where thousands of people were looked after and cared for after 911 diverted their flights without asking for a penny back.

So I did it. I went easy on the accents and used a main character who wasn't from The Rock to help guide people through the geography and the culture. It was a balancing act and sometimes I succeeded, whereas other times I know I failed. Regardless, I didn't just write what I knew; I wrote what I loved. Home.



Krista D. Ball was born and raised in Deer Lake, Newfoundland, where she learned how to use a chainsaw, chop wood, and make raspberry jam. After obtaining a B.A. in British History from Mount Allison University, Krista moved to Edmonton, AB where she currently lives with her partner, two crazy but likable step-boys, seven cats, and a very understanding corgi.

Like any good writer, Krista has had an eclectic array of jobs throughout her life, including strawberry picker, pub bathroom cleaner, oil spill cleaner-upper and soup kitchen coordinator. These days, when Krista isn’t software testing, she writes full-time in her messy office.