No, I didn't like your book. Here's why...

I consider myself a pretty tolerant reader. I like samplings of most genres. I enjoy everything from non-fiction to pure comedy. I'm willing to give new authors a chance. But in the past month or so a few authors have stretched the limits of my generous nature and forced me to walk away from their books.

If you recognize a favorite book in this list of sins, I'm sorry, we have different tastes.

Problem 1: You horribly, and graphically, torture someone and it has no affect on the plot.
True, sometimes torture is a good plot device. A character is horribly wronged, and now the other characters are galvanized (or shamed) into action. If you horribly torture a character in three-chapter detail and it changes ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, you need therapy.


Problem 2: You spent the first two chapters of the book telling us how much the main character needs to get laid. You spent pages detailing how beautiful they are. But the book has zero romance for anyone.
You've just wasted whole minutes of my time telling me this person is fantastic, but the book is about their cool computer? Maybe you shouldn't have fired your editor.


Problem 3: You derailed a conversation/fight scene to detail the history of an interesting point in three pages of loving detail.
The sentence you wanted was: For the past [x-number] of years the [cool thing] had allowed [species] to [do cool things].

See? ONE SENTENCE!!! I really don't need to know the who or why behind the cool invention. I just need to know it works. Let's move on...


Problem 4: I need a flow chart to keep track of your minor characters and their alliances.
Double-crossing is awesome. Minor characters are great. There is no excuse for introducing seventeen new names as minor characters in chapter thirty. I should not ask why this person shot that person after chapter ten. I should know the characters well enough to understand their motivations. Don't leave me guessing.


Problem 5: Your phenomenally intelligent and astute main character is also stunningly beautiful but complete unaware that s/he is making heads turn everywhere they go.
It's called the Mary Sue test. Know it. Use it. Love it. If you fail, rewrite.

Honestly, if your MC is an Ugly Duckling, I really don't care. I don't care if they have three heads and orange snot dripping from their nose unless it's relevant to the plot. If you mention your character's physical traits more than once a chapter, there better be a very good reason.


Problem 6: You kill all suspense by force feeding the plot to the reader.
If I can guess the ending by chapter three, you haven't done your job right. I don't care if this is a romance, a murder mystery, or the latest space opera, I don't want to know how it ends until I read the last page. Don't have your villain detail his/her dastardly plot in the prologue. Don't give me the last chapter as a teaser in chapter one (unless you have the most amazing twist ever up your sleeve). Just.... don't!

I'm reading this book to explore the world and meet new people. Let me enjoy the exploration.

What Not To Do When Writing Science Fiction

What Not To Do When Writing Science Fiction

1.Predict the downfall of human civilization in the next fifty years. Always make the predictions far in the future so none of your readers will be alive to complain when you get it wrong.

2. Take ten pages to explain the Exothermal Coupling Denim drive with helpful graphs and equations.

3. Try a surprise twist ending where the aliens are humans. Or apes. Or God. It's been done.

4. Dress your female characters in midriff exposing space suits and thigh-high boots because you know that's what your readers want to see on the cover. Girls read sci-fi too.

5. Try to publish Star Wars fanfic. Darth Vadar will eat you.

What Not To Do When Editing

What Not To Do When Editing
1. Turn on Youtube for "a fifteen minute break."

2. Delete your entire harddrive in a moment of frustration (or an hour, or a day, or a year of frustration... there's a five year waiting period on deleting manuscripts).

3. Forget to save.

4. Blindly rewrite through the tears. Remember kids: always have a plan.

5. Query.

What Not To Do When Settling a New Planet

What Not To Do When Settling a New Planet

1. Assume any indigenous species will welcome your arrival with open arms. Feel free to steal their land, they don't mind. Honest.

2. Explore the planet as a taste-testing party. After all, if the natives eat it than it must be healthy!

3. Go swimming... seriously? JAWS!!!

4. Fail to activate a defensive perimeter because you come in peace.

5. Buy the cheap terraforming kit because a few earthquakes never hurt anyone.

What Not To Do....

Some things are just a Bad Idea. This week, while I'm on quasi-holiday, you'll get the What Not To Do series. I'm hoping this is a Good Idea. Enjoy!

What Not To Do When You Query:
1. Stalk Janet Reid through New York, threatening to throw sno-cones at her if she fails to read your partial.

2. Submit your query in crayon.

3. Write your query on a napkin and tell the agent you'll write the novel once the advance comes in.

4. Quit writing and wait for the money.

5. Spam every literary agent, their mother, and their dog on an endless repeat every two hours for six months straight. Really, that's worse than throwing sno-cones!